Tuesday, December 16, 2014

A Christmas card for my former fertility doc


The letter I wrote to my former reproductive endocrinologist, accompanied with my Christmas card:

Dr. Best*,

I hope this letter finds you well! I wanted to send you a little note to let you know how things were. I'm sure you get Christmas cards all the time of babies you helped create, but I wanted to send you my own version of a happy Christmas card. I'll explain.

I'm sure it's interesting as a medical professional for you to hear from your patients after they've left your practice. Our story ended in March when I finally legally divorced [ex-husband]*. Our separation lasted almost two years! I have never felt this free, despite the fact that he still asks me occasionally to "come home" (where is that?) His girlfriend is due any minute with a baby girl. Upon learning this I stayed in bed for two days and ate an entire box of doughnuts, but then got on with my life. Grief sneaks up on you sometimes.

I am living a life I'm proud of now-- without [ex-husband]. It's a life I couldn't have lived with him. I know now that my miscarriages happened for a reason, as hard as they were. I'm seeing an amazing guy who treats me so well. It's not something I'm used to for sure.

Tater and I are living in Charlotte. I still work in marketing and do freelance graphic design. I play roller derby now-- proving to myself that I'm not fragile or broken (that seems to be the siren song of infertility and loss.)

All this to say that my Christmas card doesn't have a baby on it, and that's okay. I will have a family one day, and you will get that Christmas card, too. You advocated for me so perfectly in a time when I had totally given up. I can't thank you enough for that.

I hope your holidays with your family are wonderful and that you know how grateful I am that you were the pour soul assigned to my case. :)

All the best from your favorite subfertile,
Audrey

*Names have been changed for obvious reasons

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

All the shades


“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.” 

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

Friday, October 10, 2014

Equality in the Sweet Carolinas


I have a dream that one day the Land of the Free will recognize the rights of every citizen. I hope to see this dream realized in my lifetime. This week in the Carolinas has given me reason to believe that progress is coming, but it's slow and shifty and unsure. I hope it will be worth the wait.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Currently



I haven't blogged recently... for many reasons. I can't put words to one major thing that's going on in my life, and the only other thing that's going on is roller derby. And let's be real, you don't wanna hear about roller derby. So I figured a Currently post was in order.


I've been revisiting some of my favorites from high school-- Dashboard Confessional's album, The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most and New Found Glory's Sticks and Stones.


I got halfway through The Rosie Project on my way home from Atlanta last month. Since then it's been collecting some serious dust on my nightstand. But so far it's a really fun, lightweight but still thought-provoking read. A recent good internet read: Mortician for the YouTube Generation.

I finally decided to finish Weeds while I was waiting for Parenthood, Grey's Anatomy, and Scandal to return. Masterchef has been really good this season also.

Bout makeup. In roller derby, it's common for skaters to have cool and/or scary makeup on that either goes with their derby name persona or fits the theme of the bout. Recently we had a zombie themed bout (see photo above) and I went a little liquid-latex-and-fake-blood crazy. It was awesome.
Now I'm wondering what other really cool looks I could create!

This artist. And this artist. This social project. And this artist. Also roller derby. Because, well... it's my only saving grace these days.

Halloween! It's my favorite holiday of the year, and I love it. Now to make plans...

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Goodbye Atlanta

I'm in Atlanta today. Stuck in the airport-- I'm exhausted and my eyelids are heavy from a two-day business trip. My feet hurt, but I am in my most comfortable flip flops and have found a seat in the terminal next to an outlet. I'm charging three devices, because I have a sneaking suspicion that I will be stuck on the Tarmac for a while. The weather here is temperamental, humid. 

I usually love airport days. I love to fly. I love to people watch and I love to watch the planes take off and land. Today feels different. I had a successful, up eventful trip, but home seems so far away. 

I love this life. It isn't what I imagined I'd be doing at 27, but it isn't so bad. Still I long for canvas and paint, or maybe scrubs and charts. What am I doing for this world? I'm really not sure. Atlanta is not any more beautiful than it was when I got here.