Thursday, June 16, 2016

We are all the "Alligator Parents"


Last night on the way to my parents' house for dinner, I zoned out and ran a red light. I drive past this intersection at least twice a day every single day of my life. I knew there was a light there. But I zoned out and ran the light and almost hit a woman in a Toyota Camry. It was a mistake that could have been deadly.

I didn't hit anyone thankfully, but I almost did. And almost, when dealing with harming another human being in any way, is still too close for comfort. I spent the rest of the night feeling horrible. I can't imagine how scared the woman in the Camry must have been. I am so glad she was paying attention and that she swerved out of the way, even though she shouldn't have been in that position in the first place. What if a child were in that car? She was no doubt someone's daughter, friend, or mother. I pictured the worst case scenarios all night long.

I pictured the comments that would come from readers on the article that the local news would inevitably publish. I bet she was texting (I wasn't) or I bet she fell asleep at the wheel (I didn't.) We all want there to be reasons but accidents happen.

I wish I could apologize to her.

It got me thinking about mistakes, and how these things unify us as humans. We all make them. Most of them don't make the news. Most of them don't cause a loss of life. Most of the time, we are the only ones who know about them at all.

But then there's the mom of the boy who fell in the Gorilla enclosure. Or the parents of the child who was eaten by an alligator earlier this week. I almost joined their ranks of infamous-mistake-makers that get hateful comments on the internet-- blaming them and shaming them in their moments of horror and grief. It is not okay.

Let's be a little kinder to each other. People make mistakes and not all mistakes require judgment. It helps us make sense of tragedy, but sometimes tragedy just doesn't make sense. We like to think we're exempt from the big ones, the ones that ruin lives. But we aren't.

So how 'bout we spend less time being critics on these high-profile news stories and just admit that we don't have all the answers and that we are all capable of being at the center of the criticism.

And then let's thank whoever-the-hell you think lives in the sky that no one writes news stories about our mistakes.

That would suck pretty hard.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

5 Years


You'd be 5 years old today, Micah. You are so very loved and so very missed and so very celebrated. I wonder what you'd be interested in-- if you'd be an artist or love dinosaurs or princesses or if I'd be ten pounds lighter from chasing you around the yard in the evenings when it's finally cooled off a little.

I miss you, kid, and I grieve for who you could have grown to be. I will never understand why you couldn't stay longer. But for the first time on your birthday, mama's doing fine. Mama's stronger than ever. Mama will never be the same because of you.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Different Trajectories


I was sun-kissed and exhausted from spending the afternoon on the water with my girlfriends, relieved to have been disconnected from my phone and all my responsibilities for a bit. It's a good thing, too, because when I waddled in the front door, dripping and slightly sunburned, I saw the text that I knew would come eventually.

"I'd really love to talk, if you'd be up for that," he wrote.

I felt this wave of rage fill my body-- rage that I didn't even know I was still carrying. He must be single and lonely, I thought. Or maybe he's broke? He is probably broke. I finally responded an hour later, wondering what the hell there was to talk about after all this time.

He proceeded to apologize for hurting me, and I skeptically listened while trying to nail down his motive. There's always a motive, I thought. He said he needed to clear his conscience, that he needed to right his wrongs.

"Do you feel better," I asked, "now that you've cleared your conscience?" 
"No," he confessed. "I don't."

I wanted to rip him to shreds. I could have denied him my forgiveness and kept my power in all this. And yet something in me kept my fingers from typing out the horrible things I was thinking about him and all the pain he'd caused me over the years. It has been almost five years since I left him, and the anger was still tied around my ankles in the way that toddlers grasp onto their parents' feet.

"I need to think for a second."

The rain was coming down now, hitting the canopy in the rhythmic and soothing way that rain falls. The tin roof rattled. The leaves rustled. There was all this peace surrounding me but it was just so loud in my head. I could not form words.

The hurricane moved a little closer to the shore, and I realized it was time to let it go. I did not want to carry this weight of hatred around anymore. It had been too long already.

In the last few months I've been working hard to rid my life of things or people that do not serve me. It was as if the universe had handed me this opportunity on a plate to put into practice the things I've been learning in this very big way-- a sort of midterm exam, if you will. I was reluctant, but also overjoyed, to have this moment of clarity come so unexpectedly.

"You will never be able to understand fully the long-lasting effects that your psychological warfare had on my life. There are no words for that. You can never fix the hurt inside me that you caused-- that's my job now," I said calmly. "So go and DO better. BE better. Be better for your daughter. I hope she changes the world. I hope you are good to her mother in a way that you couldn't be for me."

I hope one day twenty years from now, he and I will be able to sit down and have a cup of coffee and truly see how exactly right we were to go our separate ways. But for now it feels good not to hate him for the first time in five years. It felt good to speak great things into his daughter's life, though I never in a thousand years imagined he'd have a daughter with anyone but me. Hot, salty tears streamed down my face, dripping from my chin and the tip of my nose. I looked out over the lake water, thankful that somehow this moment had come in its own perfect timing. I could not have timed it better if I had planned this rendezvous myself.

They say no two loves are the same. Well, let's hope not anyway. For so long I've been saying goodbye to the malicious and manipulative person he had become. This weekend, I finally said goodbye to the man I had fallen in love with and the dreams we dreamed together. And I hope that, in doing so, I have opened myself up to a new realm of possibilities and somehow invited a new love to fill the places where all that rage was hiding.

I'm ready. I hope the universe or god or whoever is listening. I certainly am.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Currently



Wearing:  Leggings as pants and my new jort overalls.

Watching:  ...April Kepner ruin yet another season of Grey's Anatomy with her oh-so-predictable pregnancy story line and whiny attitude.

Reading:  How To Win Friends and Influence People - I haven't learned anything yet so don't get your hopes up that I'll suddenly be more friendly.

Wanting:  A boyfriend that isn't self-absorbed and/or abusive in any way. Are they out there?

Listening: So much Brandi Carlile.

Creating:  I've been drawing plus sized naked women in my sketchbook lately. I'm not sure why. 

Battling:  My weight (at a plateau.) And my concept of what my life should look like right now. Mother's Day was this weekend, and it was the worst one yet, which surprised me out of nowhere.

Eating:  Not meat. Best decision I've ever made. Lots of radishes and black bean burgers lately.

Drinking:  Water and coffee and the occasional alcoholic root beer.

Loving:  Fresh spring produce. Elephants. Cows (they have such pretty eyelashes!) Tinted lip balm. Yoga. Living by my own rules.

Looking forward to:  Going back to Savannah for the first time in a couple years. My soul is so happy there.

Friday, April 29, 2016

That woman, so far away

I am so far away from that woman now-- the woman who stood in waiting rooms at 6:45 AM to have blood drawn. The woman who gave herself injections night after night in hopes of creating life. The woman who told time by the months instead of the minutes. The woman who thought a baby was the next step. She wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world.

It's National Infertility Awareness Week, and I feel like I'd be betraying my sisters-in-arms if I didn't say something about that struggle. It changed me. It rocked my entire life when my (now ex-) husband and I couldn't seem to make a baby no matter what. The money we spent. The tears I cried. The baby announcements and gender reveal parties all over Facebook. The feeling that I was less than a woman because I couldn't do "the one job I was born to do."

I felt my worth diminish-- as a human, as a wife. Things that I loved about myself disappeared, shrouded by this one thing I hated. My marriage unraveled. My emotional state crumbled. Looking back on photos, I realize now that my face even began to change. I withdrew from friends and family to avoid their questions. I had no answers for them, because their questions were a lot like my own.

Why is this happening?
Why am I not good enough?
Why not me?

And here I am, many years later. I'm single now, healthier, happier, more in control. Life has turned out to be both horribly cruel and pleasantly surprising. I remember that woman I was, and I remember her fear and uncertainty and rage. I wait, still, for the day that motherhood will grab me by the collar and pull me in. I wait to find someone with whom I will build my family. I remember the community of women who closed in around me and showered me with support and safety in the middle of the worst natural disaster I ever survived.

This one's for you, girls.
I'm not in that place anymore, but I see you.
And I remember.