Wednesday, May 27, 2015

What fear looks like


I don't have nightmares. It's been a while since I've woken up in a cold sweat, reaching for Tater or the nightlight of my phone screen to soothe me. But tomorrow I start counseling. God only knows the demons that will awaken. I imagine this is going to get much, much worse before it gets any better.

I left my ex-husband and proved I was strong enough to stay gone. I started skating to prove to myself I wasn't fragile. Maybe this is what courage looks like for me these days. At twenty-seven years old, I will sit in front of a stranger twice a month and talk about the hard shit that I only write about in my journals.

Lucky her.

To say I'm dreading it would be an understatement.

Friday, May 8, 2015

She's not here.


How do I even write this post? I've stared at the blinking cursor in this blank, white box at least ten times since I wrote my last post in March. How many times can a person say they're sad? How many? And how long can a person be sad before they've worn out their welcome? How long will this be my story, and why does everything hurt so deeply?

How many mindless blog posts could I have written between then and now in an attempt to mask the truth?

I have all this stuff and it doesn't mean anything to me, it just fills the space. Every time I wash a load of towels I cringe because it's just me and why does one person need ten towels anyway? And a great friend of mine gave me my living room set, but it's been almost a year now and I have yet to have a friend over to sit on it. I finally broke down and bought a large bamboo cutting board for my weekly meal preps, which feels stupid and lame because I'm just cooking for myself and who the hell cares if the peppers are diced evenly anyway?

Some days my dog is the only reason I wake up. He has to pee and I have to go to work so I can pay bills in order to continue living a life that doesn't feel authentically mine, like wearing some oversized Goodwill sweater that has holes in it. I feel the draft. I feel the weight of my body in my bed. I feel like I have accomplished something great if I can find clothes that match in the pile on my floor and then there's a whole day to go! There's a whole desk covered with shit to do! There are people who need me to show up and be present and look alive and for god's sake SMILE, girl. 

But nobody knows, because I get up and I dress up and I show up and my makeup's done and I snuggle their babies and take their pictures and answer their emails and attend their meetings regardless of the toll it takes. That's the price of living a life that doesn't feel like it belongs to you. You have to keep going no matter what or you'll lose everything. You have to smile when you don't feel like it because your friends have major life things happening and they need you. And you need them. I have myself convinced that if I push myself into situations that are painful-- if I pretend for long enough-- my story will change and one day it won't hurt and I won't be so angry and the season of not-quite-fitting-in-anywhere will be over. 

So I wait, and I wonder if this life will swallow me whole, or if one day just maybe the person I am will finally fit inside this threadbare sweater.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Currently



Wearing:  A lot of maxi skirts, dresses, and heels. I'm finally back in heels after spraining my ankle pretty bad in January. Hopefully I'll be back in skates soon.

Watching:  I just finished the second-to-last season of Sons of Anarchy on Netflix. I'm behind the rest of the world, but it's a good show. Hopefully I can find season 7 on Hulu Plus.

Reading:  On the plane this weekend, I started listening to Amy Poehler's Yes, Please! on Audible. She's hilarious and strong and wonderful. So many good gems, like:

"I believe great people do things before they are ready."

and

"Nice manners are the secret keys to the universe."

Wanting:  Beach weather. I was just in Orlando for work, and it was hot, and the pool water was perfect, and the sun was refreshing. Then I came back to the office and it's been overcast and 60s. I'm not complaining, this weather isn't awful. But I'm so ready for warm sand and cold beer and family time!

Listening:  Mostly listening to this Spotify playlist of Indie Covers, and also my "Chill" and "Enough" playlists.

Creating:  Not much. Most of what I'm doing artistically these days is for work... and is less than beautiful. I got some mega compliments on my signage for a recent trade show from my bosses, which meant SO MUCH to me.

Battling:  Anger. Rage. Fury. I guess I'm stuck in this part of the grief cycle. I'm angry that my marriage was such a failure and that I have no babies to show for it. I'm angry that my ex-husband got out without any crazy bills to ruin his credit. I'm angry that he has a girlfriend (he found someone dumb enough to love him) and a child now, because he doesn't deserve either. I'm angry that he's just a terrible person and gets to continue being a terrible person without consequences. The thing about terrible people is that they don't care who they hurt. So I guess the one thing I'm thankful for in all this is that I'm not anything like him. I'm better than him. I always have been.

Eating:  Back on a primal/keto diet. Very low carb, high fat, high protein. Paleo foods plus dairy. I like the challenge of coming up with creative, cohesive, cost-effective meals.

Drinking:  Black coffee with Stevia in the mornings. Also really enjoying this Pure Protein shake. It tastes like birthday cake and holds me all morning. If you wanna try it, let me know! I'll get you in on my next order and it will be much cheaper than ordering direct.

Loving:  Pimiento cheese. See previous box. I can have this in moderation. And it's my favorite.

Looking forward to:  Getting back on skates after two months off. I have so much anger (and fat) to burn after just sitting around and seething for a couple months. The timing of the ankle sprain was pretty terrible. Lots of time to sit and think with very few healthy outlets.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Things that soothe



It's been a dreary week. It's colder than usual. I've been busier than usual. Work is more stressful than usual. More of my friends are pregnant or adopting than usual. I've had to talk to my ex-husband more than usual.

I was exhausted from a full weekend of roller derby outings. It was rainy and gray on Sunday, and I just wanted to stay in bed. I had committed to spend some time with my parents that afternoon. I pulled myself out of bed semi-reluctantly. We celebrated my dad's birthday a few days late. There was hot coffee and a fire in the fireplace, and we didn't turn on the television at all. We talked. We ate cupcakes. We talked some more.

Family time is my favorite. I'm thankful for every birthday my parents have. I'm so thankful for their health.) In the chaos of this crazy month at work, being with them was the rest I needed.

-----

This is part of Pen + Peplum's 52 Hand-Lettered Project.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Gratitude

I've had a really bad attitude this week. I'd blame it on the weather, but that actually has absolutely nothing to do with it. I guess eventually I'll need to work on my anger issues.

Until then, here's a list of things I'm grateful for in no particular order.

1. The window in my office. I love having some natural light in here and being able to watch the weather change.

2. The fact that Tater and I mostly function on the same schedule. He likes to sleep as much as I do.

3. Creative friends who I can check in with occasionally when I'm feeling uninspired or need an outside design opinion that I trust.

4. Creative blogs by artists I really love.

5. Blood oranges, because yum.